For as long as I could remember I wanted to be tiny.
I don’t know why. I just did.
I envied all my skinny friends with small frames and narrow shoulders, tiny waists and thin bump-less legs.
This obsession to have a body type that wasn’t natural for me lead to extreme dieting. I spent all of my teens and 20s hating my body and treating it like crap because it didn’t look the way I thought it should look.
In my 30s, after having kids, I saw my body in a slightly more positive light, appreciating its ability to carry and nurture a child. I learned how to eat better and control calories for weight loss. For the first time in my life I could actually call myself “skinny” and mean it. I was at the lowest weight in my range for height. People saw me as skinny and commented on it often.
Yet I still wasn’t comfortable in my skin.
During these “skinny” years I started moving more. I knew keeping my calories as low as I needed to maintain my new skinny physique was unrealistic. I started taking group fitness classes, running, and weight training.
To my surprise I progressed in fitness. My miles got faster, I got stronger and this once exercise-hater started to enjoy pushing herself physically.
Constantly varied workouts. Group classes. Friendly competition. Accountability and support.
I was sold.
I’ve been CrossFitting for 3 and half years now. One hour a day, 5-6 days a week, I get sweaty with my friends at the gym and push myself out of my comfort zone a little farther. I honestly couldn’t imagine my life any other way. That hour means the world to me.
I don’t do it to change the way my body looks. I’m not body building or sculpting myself. I’m not pursuing Jennifer Aniston arms or Kim Kardashian’s ass.
I do it because I’m addicted to achieving things with my body I never thought were physically possible for me — the chubby, non-athletic, insecure girl who wanted nothing more in the world than to just be skinny.
I do it because I’m not getting any younger and I don’t want to just sit back and let my body “grow old.” I have 2 boys that I want to explore the world with. Heck, I want to do it with my grandkids too!
For the first time in my life I feel like I’m in the body I was meant to be in — if that makes sense. I have truly moved on from the diet mentality and I didn’t even realize it until I saw this picture of myself yesterday.
Unlike a few years ago when I cringed at a similar photo when it popped up on my phone, my gut reaction was:
Whoa… look at my arms!
And I didn’t mean it negatively.
I was smiling ear-to-ear and actually said it aloud while showing the photo to my friend proudly.
It took 10 years for this switch to be flipped and now there’s no going back.
I don’t want to go back.